Thursday, September 11, 2014

Finding meaning in a chaotic world

This is a crazy world we live in, and I feel as if it is sucking me into its madness.  Thoughts and feelings that I had just a few weeks ago now seem not important.  Lots of things are happening around me yet I feel like I am the same and my life is stagnant.

I wish I could find a way out of this spiral, but it seems hopeless.  I am not depressed or sad, my overall mood is just ok.  I am happy for my friends that have big news.  Whether its marriage, a baby on the way, new job.  My happiness for them is muted though and I will admit to being selfish.  I wish many of these things for myself yet nothing is happening. Nothing is happening in my life, nothing ever happens in my life.  Why should it?

No matter how hard I try, I always succumb to the same stupid mistakes that have burned bridges in previous relationships.  I learn and I never learn.  I can't escape my personality and destructive habits and it is my downfall in life.

Here's to hoping that things turn around soon and get better.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

July 2014, possibly the worst month ever.

I've finally managed to get back on this site and feel ready to provide an update.  So much crazy stuff happened in July that it almost seems impossible for one person to suffer.  I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies the type of month that I just had to endure.  I'll try and be as brief as possible so as not to produce a wall of text that would make Dickens jealous.

The month started off with my boss dying on July 2nd.  Without getting into too many details, he went in to the hospital towards the end of June and required open heart surgery.  I was closer to him then I realised.  I am already noticing big changes with my job with him gone and I am not happy.  He was a great person and was understanding when I spoke with him in private about my struggles with depression.  In fact, he's the single reason that I rejoined my company.  He helped setup an insurance plan and offered me my old job back after I had left for a year to work at a shipping company.  I had grown tired of the company and my old boss but he assured me things were changing for the better.  I will miss his advice greatly and my prayers are with his family and his 2 kids.

With July 4th falling on a Friday, I had a nice 3 day weekend to kind of clear my mind which I need to do badly.  I didn't really do too much but it was spent relaxing at home with family which is probably the best way to spend a weekend anyways.  Grieving a boss isn't the same as a family member but when you see that person 5 days a week, its still a huge loss.  I felt the time off was well needed for me to recharge.

I had an epiphany of sorts the following week.  I realized that even though I had been self denying it, the girl that I had been seeing weekly for lunch as a friend meant much much more to me.  I realized that I was in love.  What exactly I was in love with though was the question.  Was it just the lunch meetings?  The faux feeling of companionship that it provided?  Having someone to text and snapchat random stuff during the day?  That is what I needed to figure out.  I decided that in order to do this I would have to stop the lunch meetings or dates or whatever they were.  I would have to let her know.

The following week the unthinkable happened.  My brother who has been living with us for about 16 years died.  He suffered from epilepsy, autism, ADD, and was a special needs kid.  He had 4 back to back seizures (a rarity) and stopped breathing after the last one.  EMTs and my parents who were home at the time were unable to resuscitate him.  He died from SUDEP (Sudden unexpected death in epilepsy).  It was an emotionally jarring event obviously for me and my parents.  I ended up taking 3 days off of work to deal with the grief and to help with the preparations needed for the service and burial.

Wow, even just reading what I wrote here almost seems unreal.  I guess the only thing to learn from this is that life is hard and all of us go through trying times that make or break us.  It's just all a matter of what decisions we make and how we deal with lifes hardships that truly defines who we are as a person.  Through it all, I will continue to strive to be the best person that I can be.  I am thankful for my friends and family who have helped me along the way that have formed me into the person that I am today.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Live and learn

 All of us go through life learning, either through experiencing various challenges, reading textbooks and developing critical thinking skills, or simply by having conversations with other people.  I am grateful for my friends, family, and acquaintances that have had an affect on my life.  Even if I haven't mentioned to any of you that you have made a difference, you have.  Sometimes by just simply being there to listen when I need a friend to talk to.

This is going to be a short post today and I plan to talk more about this later on.  Just know that if you are in my life; in any way, shape, or form, it's for a reason.  Thank you for always being there.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

World Cup

The World Cup has started in Brazil and the US has gotten off to a good start by beating Ghana (finally!) 2-1. 

I wouldn't really call myself a soccer fan but I casually follow the World Cup the same way I would follow the Olympics. I like international competitions. I think it's kind of funny how happy the "fans" are here that we beat Ghana. Ghana is a country we SHOULD beat every time. However I realize that we still aren't considered real contenders. Americans play basketball, baseball, and football mainly. Despite it's growing popularity, I still consider soccer a fringe sport. Similar to hockey. It's just not that popular here. 

I can't deny though that it's popularity is growing. The success of MLS proves that. 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Coming up roses

So, I'm at my happy place. A local bar I like to frequent and sing karaoke. And I decided to blog. Bad idea you say!? Ha!? Yeah maybe it is. But to hell with that!!

These past 2 months have been an emotional roller coaster. Full of highs and lows. But I've weathered the storm. I'm proud of myself and how far I've come. I was able to deal with the news about my brother and my dog and I came through on the other side.  I have to thank my psych doctor for getting me settled on the right medicines. And my therapist for helping me through my dark days. 

I went to Vegas and passed my certification test. Although I ended up spending way too much there, it was money I had in savings so it's all good. 

More lessons learned and I move on. I thank God for putting me in the position where I currently am. And I look forward to the future. Things are definitely looking up!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Spring eternal

Spring has been a really crazy season for me, filled with fantastic highs and soul crushing lows.  Dealing with family issues and friends.  Work being just as crazy, with them sending me to ADUC 2014 in Vegas.  The good news is that I passed the test there and I am now an AccessData Certified Forensic Examiner or ACE Certified.  I should be getting my certificate this week.

I've always prided myself on the company that I keep and having a fairly large and diverse social circle.  This might sound strange for someone as introverted as myself but I really do care about all of my friends.  Going through what I did last fall was really tough and there's a chance it might be happening again to another friend.  But all I can do is try and stay positive and realize that certain things are out of my control.

I'm finally starting to get serious about dieting and fitness again.  Went to the doctor and said my cholesterol is borderline high and I'm Vitamin D deficient.  So I'm going to do the C25K program again and get back into shape.

Summer is just around the corner so if I can lose say 20 pounds by July or August that would be great.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Latest from the Blizz

     Time for another blog update!

     So I've finally got my meds straight now for my depression I think.  I had a setback a few weeks ago when stress at work increased for me but I was able to break through.  It's so strange when this happens to me.  I feel like a completely different person.  Sometimes I wonder if I am bi-polar or if I have some other mental illness besides depression.  But as long as I can break through the hard times, I should be OK.  I started a new project at work that I am in charge of and at the beginning, it was really tough.  I felt overwhelmed and beaten.  All I could think about was work, even when I wasn't at work.  I had zero self esteem and felt like this was going to kill me or that they would fire me.  Looking back I realize how ridiculous this is but at the time, I truly was struggling.  I lost interest in nearly everything and didn't feel like doing anything.  The funny thing is, I'm not really sure how I was able to break through the depression to the other side.  Maybe it was just because the project finally got back on track and we got caught up to speed.  But now, I feel like myself again.  I feel like I can handle anything.

I need to get back on track with other goals now in my life.  I have to start running again and dieting.  I weighed myself the other day and I'm at the heaviest I've ever been again.  I know the road to getting healthy though and I feel very motivated to do it.  Both for myself and for others.

Easter has come and gone and my goal of giving up video games was successful over Lent.  I finished reading 3 books over the 40 days of lent which is a huge accomplishment.  I really enjoyed the Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson.  I was recommended it by a friend and it was fantastic.  It feels good to enjoy reading again.  I think just the simple act of reading and understanding a story has helped me with my depression too.

I'm looking forward to this summer.  I want to go to some Astros and Skeeters games.  I'm also considering traveling to Europe for vacation over the summer.  I am going to Vegas in May for a conference for work and to take a certification test which should help me further along my professional career so I am also excited about that.

Things are looking up and I couldn't be happier!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Brand new year and I'm trying to get a brand new outlook on life.  Re-evaluate where I am now and where I want to be.  I finally got my medication straight and am feeling normal now.  From November till about mid February this month I have felt listless and sad.  Actually more numb than sad.  Like I was just going through the motions day to day.  The only thing keeping me from suicide being the thought of the pain and suffering I would cause my close friends and my parents.  Now I can finally say I feel as good as I did last October.

I'm moving out of my apartment due to the ever increasing rent and also because of the loneliness I felt living alone.  I've got most of my stuff packed and a storage area setup so I plan on moving stuff into storage this Saturday.

I hope things continue on improving for me.  Will update again soon.