Wednesday, June 7, 2023

June update

      So about a little over a month has gone by since my last post and I wanted to post an update.

      I feel that I have been improving slightly on my day-to-day mood.  I've met a great girl and I have gone out with her 3 times.  I'm willing to work with her schedule as she is a single mother.  And although we have differences there are many similarities between us.  I like the fact that she is a strong mother and the fact that she is a Christian.  

     I'm trying to get over the shyness that I've pretty much always struggled with on dates.  Many times, I feel like I'm not being myself and that I'm just playing a role which is wrong.  I'm hoping that the more times we talk and hang out, the more comfortable I will become.  I've always been a quiet person and many times I struggle having a conversation with someone.  I will admit though that on the few times I have gone out with her I have been feeling more and more comfortable each time.  So I am hoping that I will get better at talking and sharing with her and not be afraid of revealing the type of person that I am.

  As I have said before, my faith is very important to me.  I am not always the best in keeping with going to church regularly but I try to pray each night and ask God for help as I try to improve different areas of my life.  Nobody is perfect and living is not always easy, but I do feel I am making some progress and that is heartening.

     I have been cooking more at home and enjoying it.  I used to dread all the extra cleanup that was required when I cook but now, I just suck it up and do it.  I still have days where I order out for dinner because it's easier, but I've enjoyed finding new recipes online and trying to grow my culinary expertise.

    With the weather getting hotter outside I haven't been walking at the park as much.  I need to use my exercise bike more at home so that I'm able to get more activity in.  Many nights after work I feel glued to the couch.  Part of the problem is that I have low Testosterone and I had been skipping the weekly shots I'm supposed to be taking.  For the last 3 weeks though I have kept up with them.  Daily exercise I am realizing is more and more important the older I get.  Even if its just walking around my house.  Exercise helps combat brain fogginess (which I have suffered) and depression so not only are there physical benefits, there are mental benefits as well.

Thanks everyone for reading and here's to a good summer for all of us.

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

Thoughts on marriage and companionship

     One of my oldest and closest friends got married this month.  We have been friends since 3rd grade and played little league baseball together.  Even after grade school when I went to college and didn't see him as often, we kept in touch.  A big part of that was playing fantasy baseball and football together on Yahoo.  During the short period of time where I moved away when my company moved to Dallas, we did our best to keep in touch.  Discussing the latest on the Astros rebuild, wondering if the Texans would ever get a QB.  I would come back at least one weekend a month to see my parents and hopefully also see him and his family.

     I am overjoyed that he is married now and starting his own family.  And its also made me realize that I myself need to start trying harder to meet people.  Lately I haven't had the urge to stop by my regular bar after work.  I don't feel like drinking, it's not getting me anywhere in life.  I'm wasting my life away by drinking at bars and also wasting money that I should be saving.

    I feel like I am at a crossroads.  I guess this is a mid life crisis type of thing.  I'm tired of coming home to an empty house.  Feeling alone with no hope.  I really need to work on my self esteem because if I don't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to.  I have been praying more at night which has given me some peace, but I do feel like I still have a lot of anxiety.

    I am seeing my therapist in the beginning of May to discuss some of these things with her.  There is no quick and easy solution I understand, but I hope I can get my mind out of this cycle of dread I am currently in where I feel like the future is hopeless and that I will always be alone.

    Take time to hug and talk to your loved ones and let them know that you love and care about them.  None of us is promised anything in the future.  Thank you for reading this.

Wednesday, February 8, 2023

Self reflection

      Lately I have been in one of my quiet reflective moods.  It comes with my bi-polar disorder sometimes.  I withdraw from people and kind of shell up for a while.  I'm not really sad or depressed or anything like that.  It's just sometimes I feel the world is a bit too much for me to deal with sometimes, so I limit my exposure to certain things.

     These are usually productive times for me, so I have been trying to do some things that I have been putting off for a while.  From small things like cleaning my house and organizing, to larger things like working on spots of my life that I need to improve on to maximize my happiness and wellbeing.

     I've started reading again which has been productive.  I'm still reading Matthew Perry's autobiography which I admit is hard to get through at times.  He really is lucky to be alive, alcohol can be such a debilitating force.  I've toyed with the idea of going completely sober.  The older I get the more I realize just how dangerous alcohol can be.  And how easy it is to overindulge and misuse.  

     I've also been reading the Bible more lately too.  I'm trying to incorporate reading from it into my daily routine, whether it's actually opening my bible and reading or using the app on my phone.  I'm not always perfect and I forget sometimes but overall, it's been great for me.

Friday, January 6, 2023

First workout class!

      Just had my first workout class in a very long time and I had some thoughts that I wanted to write down about it.

     First off, I had forgotten how good that post workout feeling is!  Sure, I was exhausted after the class because I am out of shape, but my adrenaline was really kicking in and overall, I felt great.  Writing this today, I am sore which I expected.  I'm still very happy with myself though for committing to signing up for the class.  My normal routing after work is to eat dinner and then just sit on the couch watching YouTube, playing video games, or listening to music.  So this has been a huge change for me even if it's just been 1 day.

     I'm hoping that I am able to keep up with this class at least through the first month.  After the month I'll decide on whether I want to continue.  It's a M-F class so 5 days a week.  It will not be easy, but I am hopeful and excited for what is ahead of me.

God bless

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

New Year thoughts

     It's hard to believe that we are starting 2023 now.  2022 seems like it blew by.  Time is constant obviously, but I feel like the older you get, the faster time seems to travel.  I'm not sure why this is, maybe because as we age, we take on more responsibilities?  Anyways 2023 is here.

     I am going to renew my effort to look for another job.  I've pretty much accepted that my current position at my company will not change and I will not be given the raise that I am long overdue for.  By continuing to stay here, I am undervaluing myself.  My experience at this company surely must be worth something to other companies that are hiring out there.  I just need to continue to keep a positive attitude about it and not be discouraged by not getting call backs and interviews.

     I plan to be healthier this year overall.  Exercise more, improve my diet, drink less alcohol, surround myself with positive influences rather than negative ones.  It's not going to be easy but at 40 soon to be 41, it's a vital thing for me to do.  As the old saying goes, "You're not getting any younger".  I've been unhealthy for a while now in several aspects of my life.  Physically, spiritually, and mentally.  My immediate goal is to start on the physical aspect.  Improve my diet and exercise.  With that starting to improve (hopefully), I'm hoping that will spur my spiritual and mental health.  Gaining better confidence in myself and making better life choices.

     I realize this will not be easy and I plan to do a monthly "checkup" to see what my progress is like and what I have to further improve.  I've started this year strangely introspective and reflective on myself.  I admit that I am currently not very happy with my situation in life, and I want to improve that.


Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Holiday blues

      Time to update my blog once again.  My doctor decreased my anti-depressant meds last month because I have been doing well but I've been feeling really down lately.  Trying to keep a positive outlook on life can be difficult when everything around me just feels dark.

    I think the number one thing I need to find is a new job.  My current job's workload has slowed to a crawl recently and I don't get any feeling of gratification from work like I used to.  I feel insignificant at work like nothing I do matters, and my bosses have not given me and my co-worker a raise since they have bought the company over 5 years ago.  I've updated my resume and sent it out to a few companies but only have had 2 responses and 1 phone interview.  I sympathize with other job seekers out there as I've forgotten how difficult and trying it can be when you are searching for new work opportunities.

    With the colder weather starting to come and the amount of rain we have had lately, I haven't been going for walks at the park by my house.  So as a result, I've been exercising less and have stopped losing weight.  I haven't been gaining at least but I know I still have a long way to go.  I'm pre-diabetic and my doctor wants me to lose 40 pounds.  At my last physical my cholesterol was higher too, so I need to change my diet and start eating healthier.

     I am proud to say that I have not been drinking alcohol as much as I had been earlier this year.  I haven't gone completely sober but I have done better at limiting myself to just 2 or 3 drinks a month.  I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't need to have alcohol to enjoy myself which has been a massive improvement for me.  

    And last but not least I think just being alone again on the holidays is wearing on me.  I love my parents and know that I'm not really alone because I'll be with them but I still long to have someone else in my life.  My parents are getting older and they are all I really have besides a few close friends.  I want a family of my own, I just need to be patient and try to stay positive.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

End of summer

     Once again it has been to long since an update.  Here are just a few of my thoughts.

     Another summer is almost over.  Fall begins on September 22nd.  I'm getting excited for the upcoming football season, college and pro.  Yeah the Texans are terrible and the Steelers are rebuilding but still, I enjoy watching football.  I'm very excited for the upcoming college season for UH.  They are projected to compete for the AAC title along with Cincinnati and possibly UCF.  I renewed my season tickets again so I will be going to the games.

     I've had a few dates this summer but still nothing sticking yet.  I was hoping to be in a relationship by now but its not that easy.  Fall is my favorite season so I am really looking forward to it.  Hopefully I'll meet some new people.  

     One lesson that I have learned this summer is that you can't press too much on finding a relationship.  I've never really pressed that much before but now that I am in my 40s, I am pressing more.  The good thing is that I know what I am looking for in a relationship which makes it easier for me to sort out the people that don't have the same goals as me.  I want to start a family.  Most of my friends are married with kids and even though I don't show it, I am super jealous.  It's frustrating.  But I trust that God will show me the right path.  I just have to continue on, not getting too down, and being strong.  Dating is not easy to say the least.

     I can't believe that another summer is nearly over.  In many ways it feels like it has flown by.  I've been playing my guitar more lately which has been fun.  I feel like I am improving but at a slow pace.  I just need to stick at it.  I really really enjoy playing.  It's a great way to just clear my mind and just jam.

     I still am working on getting healthier.  My weight has gone back up again a little unfortunately, but I know what I need to do.  I just need to stop procrastinating and remain disciplined.

     I've really kind of tuned out of politics lately.  Its been very refreshing.  I realize how toxic the current political landscape is and how polarizing it is.  The overturning of Roe v Wade has only added fuel to that fire.  I was shocked that it happened, and I'm really not sure how I feel about it.  I am pro-life but I understand people who are pro-choice.  There are some persuasive arguments on that side also.  Overall I just stay out of it.

     God bless ya'll.  Hope everyone has had a great summer.