Tuesday, November 29, 2022

Holiday blues

      Time to update my blog once again.  My doctor decreased my anti-depressant meds last month because I have been doing well but I've been feeling really down lately.  Trying to keep a positive outlook on life can be difficult when everything around me just feels dark.

    I think the number one thing I need to find is a new job.  My current job's workload has slowed to a crawl recently and I don't get any feeling of gratification from work like I used to.  I feel insignificant at work like nothing I do matters, and my bosses have not given me and my co-worker a raise since they have bought the company over 5 years ago.  I've updated my resume and sent it out to a few companies but only have had 2 responses and 1 phone interview.  I sympathize with other job seekers out there as I've forgotten how difficult and trying it can be when you are searching for new work opportunities.

    With the colder weather starting to come and the amount of rain we have had lately, I haven't been going for walks at the park by my house.  So as a result, I've been exercising less and have stopped losing weight.  I haven't been gaining at least but I know I still have a long way to go.  I'm pre-diabetic and my doctor wants me to lose 40 pounds.  At my last physical my cholesterol was higher too, so I need to change my diet and start eating healthier.

     I am proud to say that I have not been drinking alcohol as much as I had been earlier this year.  I haven't gone completely sober but I have done better at limiting myself to just 2 or 3 drinks a month.  I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't need to have alcohol to enjoy myself which has been a massive improvement for me.  

    And last but not least I think just being alone again on the holidays is wearing on me.  I love my parents and know that I'm not really alone because I'll be with them but I still long to have someone else in my life.  My parents are getting older and they are all I really have besides a few close friends.  I want a family of my own, I just need to be patient and try to stay positive.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

End of summer

     Once again it has been to long since an update.  Here are just a few of my thoughts.

     Another summer is almost over.  Fall begins on September 22nd.  I'm getting excited for the upcoming football season, college and pro.  Yeah the Texans are terrible and the Steelers are rebuilding but still, I enjoy watching football.  I'm very excited for the upcoming college season for UH.  They are projected to compete for the AAC title along with Cincinnati and possibly UCF.  I renewed my season tickets again so I will be going to the games.

     I've had a few dates this summer but still nothing sticking yet.  I was hoping to be in a relationship by now but its not that easy.  Fall is my favorite season so I am really looking forward to it.  Hopefully I'll meet some new people.  

     One lesson that I have learned this summer is that you can't press too much on finding a relationship.  I've never really pressed that much before but now that I am in my 40s, I am pressing more.  The good thing is that I know what I am looking for in a relationship which makes it easier for me to sort out the people that don't have the same goals as me.  I want to start a family.  Most of my friends are married with kids and even though I don't show it, I am super jealous.  It's frustrating.  But I trust that God will show me the right path.  I just have to continue on, not getting too down, and being strong.  Dating is not easy to say the least.

     I can't believe that another summer is nearly over.  In many ways it feels like it has flown by.  I've been playing my guitar more lately which has been fun.  I feel like I am improving but at a slow pace.  I just need to stick at it.  I really really enjoy playing.  It's a great way to just clear my mind and just jam.

     I still am working on getting healthier.  My weight has gone back up again a little unfortunately, but I know what I need to do.  I just need to stop procrastinating and remain disciplined.

     I've really kind of tuned out of politics lately.  Its been very refreshing.  I realize how toxic the current political landscape is and how polarizing it is.  The overturning of Roe v Wade has only added fuel to that fire.  I was shocked that it happened, and I'm really not sure how I feel about it.  I am pro-life but I understand people who are pro-choice.  There are some persuasive arguments on that side also.  Overall I just stay out of it.

     God bless ya'll.  Hope everyone has had a great summer.

Thursday, May 12, 2022

The past, and learning to let go...

    Hey guys.  I've been in a very introspective mood lately and thought I should update my blog.

   I want to talk about the past in this post.  Specifically past mistakes that we make in our lives.  Whether it be with friends, family, even strangers.  My whole life I have always personally struggled with forgiving myself.  It's something that I talk about with my therapist often.  I'm my own worst critic.  I tend to dwell on past mistakes whatever they might be and let it eat me alive, robbing myself of inner peace and time.  I recognize that this is toxic behavior, without getting too preachy, God didn't put us on this earth to constantly worry and beat ourselves up about past mistakes.  Learning from our mistakes and moving on is important of course, but continually dwelling on past failures does nothing.  None of us can change the past.

   This past weekend I personally made a mistake.  I don't want to get into the details yet at this time but needless to say it's still bothering me now as I type this.  For whatever reason, moving on is very difficult for me.  I think my Catholic upbringing is part of the reason for my current feelings.  As Catholics, we are taught that we are saved by the mercy and grace of God.  That none of us are worthy of being saved.  My relationship with God has wavered like I'm sure most people have.  Somedays I feel very inline and connected, others I act completely indifferent.  I always feel that I am striving to be perfect in my behavior and interactions with others but ultimately fall short because as humans, none of us are perfect.  I've prayed about it and confessed my sins to God but yet it still gnaws at me because it's something that I cannot change.

   One positive outcome from this has been that I have started looking deeper at myself and my own flaws and trying to improve.  I've also started a small garden in my backyard and that's given me peace.  I know that I will get through this, it's just hard.

Thursday, March 10, 2022


 There is war in Europe again.  Something I honestly did not expect to see.  I think it's something that most of the world did not expect to see either.

When Putin started amassing his troops on the border of Ukraine, I just thought it was postering.  Trying to get something out of the European countries and NATO.  Unfortunately, they invaded, and the Ukrainian people are suffering.  The Russians are suffering too with heavy losses.  And the international community is suffering with rising energy costs due to boycotting Russian oil.

Most of Europe has gone the clean energy route, which is great, but in my mind, they went too far.  They have a heavy reliance on Russian imports of Natural Gas and Oil.  Green energy is all well and good and may be the future, but in my opinion, the technology is not quite there for our energy needs currently.  Fossil fuels are still extremely important in the world market.

I still am trying to figure out what Putin's "end-game" is.  The international community has shut him out of the money system or the most part.  The US has installed some tough sanctions against them along with other countries.  The price of the Russian Ruble has dropped a ton, so their economy has to be really suffering.  I kind of understand that he wants to re-unite the countries that broke off after the collapse of the Soviet Union, but this is an old style of thinking.  The world is much closer now with technology then it was during the Cold War.  Countries are able to communicate better and faster and come together quicker to counter a threat.  Plus, the people living in these easter bloc countries like Ukraine seem to HATE Russia because of how brutal socialism was in their countries.  There may be some separatist regions, but the majority of these countries will fight to keep their way of life, no matter the odds.

I really don't have too much to say on all of this, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  My heart aches for the death and suffering of the innocent civilians in Ukraine caught up in this.  I also feel bad for the Russian people that didn't sign up for this war, and the Russian soldiers who seem really green and are just now realizing that they have been duped into this war.  There have been many reports of Russian POWs that have talked about the mis information campaign their government has been waging.  Putin is claiming that he is "de-Nazifying" the country and that the Ukraine is run by Fascists and White supremacists.

In general, I along with many other looks for this whole thing to end immediately.  Putin must be stopped but at the same time, we don't want to be drawn into a war.  It's not WW3 yet but it could easily come down to that depending on decisions made by some world leaders.  I hope and pray for an immediate end to hostilities and that the pain and suffering of all the innocents ends.  May God bless them.

Monday, November 8, 2021


     Let me just first say that I hate moving lol.  I don't think anyone really likes it though so that doesn't make me unique.  It's just a lot of work.  But one aspect of moving I do like is it forces you to take a mental check on your life.  Looking at stuff I have that has honestly just been sitting in boxes since I have been in my apartment makes me question if I really need it.  In a sense I am trying to do a spring cleaning of sorts in November.  I'm not a hoarder by any means but there is definitely stuff that I have that I don't need or even use anymore.

     The house is ready for move in and I have moved a lot of the big stuff already thanks to the help of my parents and friends.  It's definitely going to be a big change for me living in a house again.  I have become very accustomed to apartment life.  Now I will have a yard to take care of and I can't just call maintenance to fix shit lol.

     All in all I am looking forward to it even though it will increase my daily commute by a bit.  I definitely feel more mature having my own house.  I think it is a good step for me.  My plan at this moment is to live there for a few years, continue doing some minor renovations, and then flip that house and use the profit as a down payment to a mortgage on a new house.  Of course no one knows what the future holds but that is my current plan.

Friday, July 23, 2021

Halfway through 2021 update

     Just wanted to post an update on how my year has been going.  Overall, I would say its been a roller coasters.  Good highs, bad lows.  But I am staying strong through it.  I think finally (FINALLY!) I am approaching some sort of self discipline on things.  I also notice that when I write things down (or update my blog) it helps me become more self aware of my many mistakes and allows me to step back and evaluate where to go from here.

    First off, I went to Vegas memorial day weekend.  It was fun but honestly felt weird.  Things were not yet completely open because of the pandemic.  Some spots were open and masks were not required for vaccinated individuals (like myself) but it just didn't have a Vegas vibe.  It was super packed though which was a little shocking.  I think people are just wanting to travel again after being locked up at home in 2020.  I know that I do.

    Without going into detail, I slipped up again on my spending.  I realize now that beating myself up which is what I usually do accomplishes nothing because I don't have a time machine and can't change the past.  I'm looking forward to the future with the thought that I will just have to exercise more caution.  I've also looked at several budgeting software out there.  Right now I am just using an Excel spreadsheet which does the trick.

    Dating has been hit or miss.  Without naming names I've had some good ones and some bad ones.  We will see what the future holds.

    Podcasting has been a great experience.  It has helped me get closer to friends and be more involved in their lives and them in mine.  Discussing a variety of topics and gauging their interest and opinions has been fascinating.

    I've hit a bit of a plateau on my diet.  Still down 25 pounds since last December but I have been stuck hovering around 240 for awhile.  I have finished the Nutrisystem diet and have just tried to shop better and eat better for myself.

    I'm looking forward to the end of the year.  For the first time in awhile, I will be living in a house.  This time my own.  My parents are letting me rent out their old house after we fix it up a bit.  Unfortunately there is a lot to do.  But this will give me good experience in house repairs, remodeling, and maintenance.  I have pretty much no experience in this right now so it will be a learning experience.

    Hope the year is going well for all of you out there. God bless.   

Monday, June 14, 2021

Thoughts on death ... and life

    This may be a dark post but I have some thoughts on the subject.  Recently a friend of mine lost her mom to cancer.  She was relatively young and without getting into too many details, it was a very moving and sad service.  I haven't been to a funeral in awhile, I think the last one was my brothers 7 years ago.  So I went in just wanting to pay my respects to her and her family.  What I walked away with was so much more.

   They prayed the rosary first and then had a minister get up and say some kind words.  The whole thing was in Spanish but I was able to follow along during the rosary somewhat due to the repetition.  I was overwhelmed by how big the family was and how many friends were there.  The chapel was full and people were standing in the halls of the funeral home.  This woman was definitely loved and respected by many people.  There was just so much love in the room.  Many were crying as well but that understandable obviously.  She was loved and she will be greatly missed.  It was very moving, to see the impact that this woman had on others.  If I live a life where I have an impact on even half that many people I will have felt it was a life well lived.

   It got me self reflecting on my life.  I'm currently 39 and have lived about half my life according to life expectancy in the US.  If I was gone tomorrow, would I have felt that I have lived a good life?  Do I have an impact on my family and friends as a good son, cousin, godfather, friend?  I feel like there is a lot more I would like to do in my life.  Travel, get married, start a family, enjoying and learning new hobbies.  None of us know the day or time when God will call us home, will we be ready when that time comes? Needless to say, its spurred my creativity gene to get more active and start working on some personal goals I have.  I have a tendency to procrastinate on things and be a couch potato.  I don't want to look back on my life with regrets about all the times I decided to just lay on my couch and watch TV when I could have been doing other things to better myself.

  With all that said, I have been making a few changes.  This service on Sunday just reinforced that I need to continue going down the path I am on.  Relaxing is OK every now and then, but I just need to fight the urge to do nothing and be lazy sometimes.  Keep self motivating and keep my faith in God and the plan that he has for my life.

Take care friends.