Hey guys. I've been in a very introspective mood lately and thought I should update my blog.
I want to talk about the past in this post. Specifically past mistakes that we make in our lives. Whether it be with friends, family, even strangers. My whole life I have always personally struggled with forgiving myself. It's something that I talk about with my therapist often. I'm my own worst critic. I tend to dwell on past mistakes whatever they might be and let it eat me alive, robbing myself of inner peace and time. I recognize that this is toxic behavior, without getting too preachy, God didn't put us on this earth to constantly worry and beat ourselves up about past mistakes. Learning from our mistakes and moving on is important of course, but continually dwelling on past failures does nothing. None of us can change the past.
This past weekend I personally made a mistake. I don't want to get into the details yet at this time but needless to say it's still bothering me now as I type this. For whatever reason, moving on is very difficult for me. I think my Catholic upbringing is part of the reason for my current feelings. As Catholics, we are taught that we are saved by the mercy and grace of God. That none of us are worthy of being saved. My relationship with God has wavered like I'm sure most people have. Somedays I feel very inline and connected, others I act completely indifferent. I always feel that I am striving to be perfect in my behavior and interactions with others but ultimately fall short because as humans, none of us are perfect. I've prayed about it and confessed my sins to God but yet it still gnaws at me because it's something that I cannot change.
One positive outcome from this has been that I have started looking deeper at myself and my own flaws and trying to improve. I've also started a small garden in my backyard and that's given me peace. I know that I will get through this, it's just hard.